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Mathematics at Denim Demons, West, 3:00pm
by Hatr Steak

Eli has had a difficult time this season settling into his new role of random BTSHer on a team called Math. His better half (that up and left in the middle of night) is no longer around to cause havoc on the court or to provide the comfort of a celebratory spoon after a big win. Luckily for Math, they’ve adjusted to the changes better than Eli and have found their new groove early.

Unluckily for Math is that this week they have to face the new BTSH fun-bunch, those adorable party animals the Demons. The Popack and Zach attack has been in full effect on defense this season limiting opponents’ scoring chances. They’ll need to play keep away from (any) Norris and push the ball up to Rubens and Josh in order to survive this match-up.

Prediction: Sefi reminds the league why he was a finalist for ROY ’16 by pumping two past Dave and carries the Demons to a 4-2 victory. In unrelated news: Sam Norris remains a dick.
You said it, Troy my man.

 

Gouging Anklebiters at Butchers, East, 4:30pm
by Fergus Shnodwelter

Both these teams have one win and three losses. Both boast witty, successful women among their supporting cast. Both teams play at Tompkins Square Park. In fact, were it not for the overtime loser point that has pushed up the Anklebiters in the standings, these teams would be identical in every way. The Biters’ Schuie is the Butchers’ Art, the Biters’ Workman is the Butchers’ Arnold, the Biters’ Probert is the Butchers’ Georgine, etc. So how can you possibly make a prediction between two teams so evenly matched?

Prediction: *flips coin* Tails. But I forget which team that was. So I’m predicting a 3-3 tie. I’ll flip again just to be sure…

Damnit!

 

Dark Rainbows at Tompkins Square Riots, West, 4:30pm
by Nancy Thompson

This the battle of pink vs. maroon.

I was going to dive into some long-winded and absurd battle between P!nk and Maroon 5, but I’ll spare you.

Instead, let’s get down to it: both these teams are hungry for their first win. It’s been a rough start for both clubs, but that certainly isn’t for lack of heart.

This goaltender matchup will feature two of the nicest guys in the entire league (not like that dick, Jamie B.). They also both happen to be named Dave (not like that dick, Jamie B.). Gil de Rubio from the Riots is a steadfast veteran, while Greenwald from the ‘Bows is a wide-eyed rookie. They say that experience counts for a lot (though, it certainly hasn’t done my hockey skills any good), but I think it’s going to be a real battle, as Greenwald wants nothing more than to secure his first career win.

Keys to the game for the Riots: Vanck’s newfound fame. Rumor has it that he is partying with some NHLers these days, and if he brings a couple of them to sub in as free agents, this will be trouble for the Rainbows. If he brings the Kardashians, this will be trouble for all of us.

Also, don’t let Tia get hot. If she gets hot, you’re gonna give up a couple goals.

Keys to the game for the Rainbows: Convince Abby and Rem to focus on the game, rather than on planning their wedding. Last week they started discussing flower arrangements on the court mid-game and gave up a goal. Also, cover Joe and Drew. For the love of Tina Fey, PLEASE cover Joe and Drew.

Lastly, feed Josh Wilson and Cat. They’re each due for one.

Prediction: In the battle of P!nk vs. Maroon 5, P!nk wins every time. But in this battle the Riots eke out their first win, 3-2, and keep the Rainbows searching. Toriello scores 1, though.

Reminder! FEED CAT!

 

What The Puck at Cobra Kai, East, 5:30pm
by Jizzle Microwave-Footblaster

The Caps Crew’s lucky to have the 5:30 game but they’ll still be recovering from the celebrations of Washington stomping the filthy Penguins the night before to take a 2-0 lead. (That series will still go to 7, because Caps, but that’s for another article.) The aftershocks of their pinot grigio will play right into the claws of the Caps-ambivalent Cobra Kai collective. But even without factoring in the performance disrupting drugs, the top team in D4 ought to be easy pickin’s for the tied-for-top team in D3. WTP is always full of surprises–e.g. changing their name to the Bandits and switching to cooked-salmon pink jerseys without a press release–but the Dojo’s got steadiness and discipline and the same jerseys they’ve been wearing since they were snotty-faced brats playing paintball in Teaneck.

Keys to the game for Cobra Kai: Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy.

Keys to the game for WTP NYC Caps Crew Bandits Whatever: Make block. Left, right. Up, down. Side, side. Breathe in, breathe out. And no scare fish.

Prediction: Kai 4, Bandits 1

The only good Crosby. (Sorry, Bing, it’s “teach your children well”, not “beat your children well.”)

 

Rehabs at Filthier, West, 5:30pm
by Samuel Beckett

We watch the game not as a game but as a gateway to our own souls, only there are no souls. So we wait for the truth to reveal itself in other ways, yet there is no truth either. There are words, then silence. A face-off occurs. Players pass the ball. Players pass the ball. Players pass the ball. Players pass the ball. A pass is intercepted. Players act concerned. A goal is scored. On one end, there is celebration. On the other, sorrow. A team becomes another to become itself. Nothing is everything; something is six things. A hawk circles above. There is beer to fill the emptiness, then night.

Prediction: 3-2 Filthier, but nothing really matters. The Rehabs still make it into the playoffs.

Now watch me pull a rabbit out of this hat. Only there is no rabbit and there is no hat. There is only nothingness, Rocky.