Here, catch this bone.

Instant Karma at Mega Touch, East, 1pm
By the Masked Elf

Key Stats you Need to Know: BTSH started in 2001. Alex E. M. has been in the league the whole time. For the first time since he scored the first goal in 2004 in the 1 p.m. game on Opening Day when Devlin’s shot nicked Alex’s sock, Alex is on the scoring list. Alex is sitting in 8th place in scoring. Where the hell are all the supposed good players in this stupid league?

Meanwhile on Karma, Brianna V. is leading the way with 2 goals.

Good Players You Don’t Know but Should, and Chadwick: Karma and Mega are both struggling in the formerly known $h0wT!m3 Division. Karma is 1-3 and Mega has yet to gain their first W. Hugh and Nina are Karma’s secret weapons and I’d be happy to point them out to Mega before the game because I have $5 that you’ll cover the spread. So Ben, don’t ask who Yuri, Max and Shaleen are, because I’m not telling. Though you should know Shaleen, she’s really good.

Prediction: Karma likes giving teams their first win. Mega 3-2. Alex hopefully doesn’t score.

He’s got more sauce than his brother Oscar.

 

Fresh Kills at Fuzz, West, 1pm
By Fawn deCoques

All hail Ariel and his appreciation of the media! Personally, I think that should count as a win on substance alone. Someone has to stand up to Glanzer’s abuse of the Facebook page and excessive wrestling references. What’s that? I am missing the point? Oh, ok. Well, this game is going to be a lot of fun to watch. Team Michigan might be a little sore from Saturday’s Charity tournament (shameless plug), but it’s just a warm up for Barch. Is this going to be the epic battle of Gabe vs Gil? Let’s dance, kids.

Prediction: Kills by 1 in OT. Soko’s been stacking teams since the Elves were infants.

Preview of the uniforms after these teams merge in 2018.

 

Corlears Hookers at Gremlins, East 2pm
By Ophelia Baulls

Headlining for the Gremlins is Erich who is tied for top goal-scorer this season, making Johnh W. a proud papa. Newcomers Marcellah and Alexh are also on a hot streak with 2-goals-a-piece against Gut Rot last week. Jamieh continues to be frustrated that he cannot film each save he makes and post it, but that’s life.

Hookers are in the nesting phase with their new division. They picked out curtains, and grabbed some Rainbows in the off-season along with Jeff K., who is expected to be a calming influence. Kevin is off to a solid start in net this season, one shutout in the books.

Prediction: Hookers take Gremlins in OT, 3-2

The frogurt is also cursed.

 

Sky Fighters at Lbs, West, 2pm
By Ophelia Baulls

Sky Fighters and Lbs… Both of these teams have some stacked lineups this season, and are showing a strong, coordinated offense. Let’s take a moment to applaud their collective style.

(pause)

Now let’s pour on the gasoline. Those f*cking Teytelbaum brothers are really f*cking good, and tough to take down. Plus there’s Greg and Mia, so smiley and tenacious all at once, topped off with Olivier lurking somewhere in the background.

But then you have that guy Scott on Lbs in his f*cking neon shorts who is so f*cking fast, and then he’s complimentary if you get the ball away from him? He’s mindf*cking you in such a friendly way. Also, Ali will have some rockin’ outfit on that makes you feel like shorts are soooo 5 yrs ago and you’re basic.

I think Lbs is gonna get after it this week.

Prediction: Lbs sneaks past Sky Fighters 4-2

This game prediction, rendered as an animated GIF.

 

Gut Rot at Poutine Machine, East 3pm
By Ophelia Baulls

We all know by now that even with last week’s loss, Gut Rot is like a first round draft pick who just nailed a gaggle of models on Diddy’s yacht… I.e. it’s hard to dampen their spirit with one drop. Becca, Morgen, Scott, Tommy, and the rest of the crew are still trying to hide their grins in the style of O’Reilly cashing his $25M check.

However Poutine is 2 and 2, and playing well. Brian S. shimmies away from the spotlight, but is rumored to feel “good to pretty good” about their chances this weekend. With Charlotte and Joanne both en fuego so far this season… it’s tough to call, but I don’t think the jolly green giant is done.

Prediction: Gut Rot takes Poutine 4-3

This is what Canadians eat. That’s why I’m staying in the USA.