Fresh Kills at LBS Inc., East 12:30

The early battle of these two titans assures should set the tone for the season. Can Ali rally her allies over Dave’s ravening slaves? It probably depends on who’s in net. One thing’s for sure, it’s never smart to bet against Fresh Kills. Yuan’s Yuinners: 4-3 Kills.

Cobra Kai at Instant Karma, West 12:30

Buddhism vs. Hinduism. Which is the one true faith? This’ll be a nail- and ankle-biter for both sides as Karma debuts their new goalie, Alex. But Karma boasts the most veterans (their rosters combine for over 200 seasons). They also have the longest wingspan. Slight edge to Karma as they shake the rust off. 5-3 Karma.

Corlears Hookers at Mega Touch, East 1:30

What would have been a drubbing in years past has become a bit more unpredictable. Supposedly the Hookers have restocked their lines. Tip to the Touches: try a roster check. That aside, 5-3 Hookers.

March 26, 2017 Rehabs at Fuzz, West 1:30

The defending champions play… some team that has Glanzer on it. Prediction: nobody cares, including the Rehabs. We’re giving this one to the Fuzz by a sleepy soccer score of 1-0.

Filthier at Denim Demons, East 2:30

Are the Demons really reformed? We’ll find out today. Paramedics will be on hand just in case the rumors are false. Filthier’s no stranger to sweeping the leg, either (with apologies to Cobra Kai). We’re calling this one for Filthier, but not by as much as you think. 3-2, Filthier.

Mathematics at Butchers, West 2:30

The departure of Derek leaves a gaping hole in the Mathematics’ heart and a vast improvement in their skill. Who knew that being able to benchpress a dumptruck is totally useless in street hockey? The Butchers, meanwhile, further ridiculize their loaded rosters with Creamy’s return. Sure, Georgine’s nice… Minnesota nice, if you know what I mean. And she ain’t from Minnesota. That perpetual smile can’t hide the sharky mind of a wheelin’-and-dealin’ NYC real estate developer. Meanwhile the Maths traded Cherie, and Freddy Mercury and his younger brother Nigel are mellowing in their old age. Butchers 4-1.

Gouging Anklebiters at Sky Fighters East 4:00

The Anklebiter ground game vs the West Coast offense of the Sky Fighters. Who’ll dominate? It’s a cloudy day and the Anklebiters are still hung over from Friday. So the smart billions are on the Sky Fighters, obviously. But you still have to tune in to this one if you want to see a giant sausage with a hockey stick. Now that’s entertainment. Sky Fighters, 5-3. Probie with a hat trick and 50 minutes of ice time.

Poutine Machine at What The Puck West 4:00

Perennial playoff-makers the NYC Capitals Crew host the Canadian Curds. WTP is here to party, so will they face the savage Poutine of two years ago, or the slightly less savage Poutine of one year ago? Mike D is our league’s Iggy Pop, mysteriously never tiring or aging. Most would give this to Poutine but we’re calling it an upset. WTP 4-3.

Gremlins at Dark Rainbows East 5:00

America’s Goalie (Jamie) vs… who knows? Did the Rainbows get a goalie yet or will they also use Jamie? Even that wouldn’t tire him out. Anyway, it doesn’t matter who wins or loses. The only thing that matters is Walker’s +/-. I predict he has a +1, only because the Gremlins only ever score enough to eke out a win. 2-1 Gremmies, and Walker’s out for all three.

Gut Rot at Tompkins Square Riots West 5:00

Will the righteous Riots rout Ellery’s hellions? Will Ellery be there? The answer to both questions is no. A 5:00pm game gives the Guts plenty of time to Popeye their spinach before the game, and we all know they play better drunk. The Riots will be caught flat-footed since they’ve been reading bell hooks and Catherine MacKinnon all winter while Gut Rot was keeping fit by riding their snowmobiles into Alpine hot tubs. We give this one to Gut Rot by a hair, heading into an otherwise alldefeated 2017. 1 goal for the Riots, 2 goals for the Rots.