Some of us remember a time when there were actual previews of BTSH games. Well, while we await the return of that, here’s something else for your reading annoyment. The Rogue Media has prepared this handy guide to the NHL playoffs: predictions, who to taunt, where to drink while the games are not shown because stupid Mets baseball is on, and more!

Playoff preview: After a year-long hiatus, Canada returns to the playoffs, briefly. But America comes first.
Eastern conference: Two out of three Canadian teams will say a quick hello and goodbye in the first round.
Western conference: The two Canadian teams here are also doomed. But maybe not in round one. Edmonton is full of surprises… Their neighbor, Calgary, also exists.
You heard it here first (unless you already heard it elsewhere): the finals will be Minnesota vs. Washington, but we’re not picking a winner because jinx.
You heard it here last: the Flyers missed the playoffs. Flyers superstar Radko Gudas will spend the summer practicing PIMs.
“Rich is a great bowler.” –official Rogue Media sports prognosticator Jimmy the Greek
The East:
Washington Capitals (playing Toronto)
Prediction: The Capitals decapitate Toronto in 5.
Fan preview: P-I-N-O-T G-R-I-G-I-O! The fans aren’t worried about this round; they’re rooting against the inevitable second round exit, and hoping everyone on the Penguins gets ebola. Penguins vs. Capitals has to happen every year. If you’re a Caps fan, that matchup IS the Stanley Cup. Round three would be a light dinner and the actual finals would be a complimentary dessert. Caps fans even have their own hymnal.
Fans: All of WTP, plus Ben C., Isaac S., Julie K., Sarah M., Claire W., Justin P., and Joe P. wearing a Flyers jersey. Did we forget anyone? That guy with the shirt over his head?
Official bar: Kelly’s (since the Sabres never make the playoffs). Click here to learn more about the NYC Cap Screw.
“Don’t we currently almost have it all?”

Penguins (playing the Blue Jackets)
Prediction: The Penguins gobble up Columbus’ herrings in 6.
Fan preview: all of Columbus’ goals are disallowed to prevent Crosby Tears Fears. You don’t even need to watch, you can just hold out for the inevitable, always-irritating posts from Drinky Cro on the Facebook group.
Fans: Georgine, Dan H. (deceased), Brady C., Timmy B., Cronauer
Official bar: there are several Pittsburgh bars. The fact that so many Pittsburgh people always talk about how great Pittsburgh is, yet choose to live in NYC, speaks for itself. I recommend the Penguin Pit at Malcolm X Boulevard and W. 638th st. in the Bronx.

This is what’s known as “Pittsburgh Classy”.

Montreal Canadiens (playing the Rangers)
Prediction: The Canadiens go into hab-ernation (get it?) in 5.
Fan preview: chagrin inĂ©vitable. One game’s already down at press time.
Fans: maybe Jo-Ann, maybe Olivier, but we can’t be sure since we can’t understand what either of them are saying.
Official bar: According to a Reddit post from 2014, “Finnerty’s on 2nd Ave between 13th and 14th”. But since you’re facing the Rangers, you can catch the games just about anywhere, and nobody will even notice you’re a Habs fan since the team colors are basically the same and nobody understands what you’re saying.

It’s a good ol’ fashioned MeatOff between Schwartz’s of Montreal and Katz’s of New Fuckin’ Yawk. Smoked meat has a pretty good goalie but it’s no pastrami.

Ottawa Senators (playing the Boston Bruins)
Prediction: The Senators deregulate the Bruins in 7, hopefully on route to a rare round-three rendezvous between two national capitols.
Fan preview: there are no living Ottawa fans, so there’s really nothing to write here.
Fans: Sven (deceased)
Official bar: none… maybe try Bar None?

#1 thing to do in Ottawa: ride a bus

Boston Bruins (playing the Ottawa Senators)
Prediction: the Bruins go extinct in game 7, though every game has nine overtimes.
Fan preview: get the fuck adda hyeah.
Fans: Michelle T. (AWOL), Derek T. (whipped), Derho, Eric D. of Mega Touch, MDF, the Commish
Official bar: Longfella’s Hahvid Yad Baa, 231 Main St., Tottenville (Staten Island)

Boston fans celebrating after Game 1 victory over Ottawa, April 12, 2017.

New York Rangers (playing the Canadiens):
Prediction: they’ll blow it somehow as they always do, since 1994, but it could be worse, they could be the Caps. They’ll deforestate the Canadiens in 5.
Fan preview: You won’t have to pay for the cable package, so you can spend that money on beer.
Fans: By default, everyone, but really just Rachel G., Rich G., Derek T. (deceased), and Eli. Also Nina, D., Brendan C., Brianna and Cory V. (not to be confused with Winnipeg Corey), Mike M., Jeff L., Georgine (post-Pens), and Creamy.
Official bar: Rachel’s apartment

Bring a telescope if you want to see the game from that couch. Also for watching the naked guy across the street during the intermissions.

Columbus Blue Jackets (playing the Penguins)
Prediction: Columbus has a hockey team? And it made the playoffs? The Blue Jackets get bleached in 6.
Fan preview: Who cares?
Fans: This is the weird part of Ohio that apparently contains a large metropolitan region which nobody is actually from. The last Columbus resident to visit New York was Rutherford B. Hayes. The Jackets have no fans.
Official bar: Come on, nobody would open an Ohio-themed anything in New York. If you’re lucky you can catch the games at home using a Russian stream site.

This playoff prediction is courtesy of America’s greatest living author.

Toronto Maple Leafs (playing the Washington Capitals):
Prediction: Cannon fodder. Caps give one up in the name of diplomacy. The Maple Leafs get sapped in 5.
Fan preview: Face it, you’re lucky to be here.
Fans: Alok G., Trevor B. (deceased). Also, assorted English-speaking Canadians.
Official bar: none, but since Toronto has often been used as a stand-in for NYC in filmmaking means any NYC bar should do, provided you don’t want to actually watch the game. Your best bet is Kelly’s. You won’t have to find a bar for round two.

“Ovie, I will pay you TWENTY-SEVEN AMERICAN DOLLARS to throw the game.”

The West:

Chicago Blackhawks (playing the Nashville Predators)
Prediction: The Hawks egg the Predators out in 6.
Fan preview: Jerry gets wasted, especially on the two nights where Rinne steals a game.
Fans: Jerry (whereabouts unknown). There must be others, but Jerry’s fanhood glows so bright we can’t see them.
Official bar: Triona’s (192 3rd Ave)

The only known Blackhawks fan.

Minnesota Wild (playing the St. Louis Blues)
Prediction: The Wild cure the Blues in 6.
Fan preview: Oh hey, we made the playoffs. Oh yaah? Yer darn tootin’.
Fans: there aren’t any Minnesota fans in BTSH because Minnesotans care too much about hockey to join a league with no stick-checks.
Official bar: none as far as we can tell, but check this sad Meetup group for updates.

The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (playing the Atlanta Calgary Flames)
Prediction: The Ducks flap out the Flames in 5.
Fan preview: Cherie’s AWOL any given Sunday if the Ducks win on Saturday.
Fans: Cherie S., James S. (missing, presumed drunk)
Official bar: The Disney Store, 1540 Broadway, New York, NY 10036

It’s really hard to find an image for the Anaheim Ducks that doesn’t involve the movie.

Edmonton Oilers (playing the San Jose Sharks)
Prediction: The Sharks de-grease the Oilers in 7.
Fan preview: Lots of opportunities here to stagger around the city in frustration, looking for a bar showing the game.
Fans: every Canadian who loves hockey but hates the Maple Leafs and Canadiens, and isn’t from Calgary
Official bar: Oily MacGregor’s, 9254 Gretzky St., Montauk, NY

It’s Welcome Back KOTTER, you idiot.

San Jose Sharks (playing the Edmonton Oilers)
Prediction: the Sharks masticate the Oilers in 7.
Fan preview: Both of these teams are doomed, but hey, so are 13 others, not to mention the half of the league that sank over 82 games. Obviously, the dream West Side Story matchup of Sharks vs. Jets will have to wait for another year.
Fans: Gut Rot’s Ed P. and Mark, plus Ben C. but only if the Capitals die in committee.
Official bar: Sharky McGee’s, 9254 Selanne St., Montauk, NY

THIS IS SHARKS HOCKEY

Calgary Flames (playing the Mighty Ducks)
Prediction: The Flames burn out in 5.
Fan preview: the only Flames fan around here doesn’t really drink, but he takes wins and losses in stride. There’s always next year.
Fans: Jamie
Official bar: Putnam’s Pub & Cooker, 419 Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11205 (note: they won’t be showing the games)

THE PAST IS THE FUTURE

St. Louis Blues (playing the Minnesota Wild)
Prediction: Tarasenko gets erased from the cover of NHL ’17 over the course of 6.
Fan preview: if you want to see these games, meet me in St. Louis.
Fans: none
Official bar: Hull House, 800 South Halsted St., Chicago, IL

Tarasenko, shown here in mid-fart.

Nashville Predators (playing the Blackhawks)
Prediction: the Predators become the Predatees in 6.
Fan preview: a summer to reflect on whether the Weber/Subban trade really worked out (hint: it actually made no difference).
Fans: none
Official bar: the Heartbreak Hotel. It’s down at the end of Lonely St.

…well that’s a lot of IFs.