Fresh Kills at LBS Inc., East 12:30 The early battle of these two titans assures should set the tone for the season. Can Ali rally her allies over Dave’s ravening slaves? It probably depends on who’s in net. One thing’s for sure, it’s never smart to bet against Fresh Kills. Yuan’s Yuinners: 4-3 Kills.

Well. Since I’m not being paid by BTSH (if you could call that getting paid), I don’t have to be nice to any of you fucks (if you could call that being nice). Here they are, your Three Red Dwarves, you animals. Yeah, the games haven’t even happened yet, but does it really matter? I look forward to reading the Facebook comments and finding out who y’all you think should have gotten a star. Wait, no. No I don’t. Eat a dick, BTSH, with love from the Lampoon’s Department of Celestial Metaphors. And choke on this.

  Dear Subjects,   As the season opener approaches, please remember to pay your league fees because BTSH is dissolving as a company and now that money will go directly to each team so they my spend it as they see fit. This might sound familiar to you, dear reader, as the captains have elected to give power back to its rightful owners: individuals. Namely, the captains.

Your source for BTSH news, real, fake, and transcendental. Because sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. The Blacktop Lampoon is the home of the Rogue BTSH Media. It is not affiliated with Black Top Street Hockey, Inc. or any of its subsidiaries. All rights reserved, yada yada yada.