As the season opener approaches, please remember to pay your league fees because BTSH is dissolving as a company and now that money will go directly to each team so they my spend it as they see fit. This might sound familiar to you, dear reader, as the captains have elected to give power back to its rightful owners: individuals. Namely, the captains.
Moreover, we’ve decided each team’s respective captain will be the sole owner and distributor of the funds. There will be absolutely no oversight on how they choose to spend the fees, but we’re extremely confident captains will act as rational, altruistic human beings.
We’ve also voted to elect a singular, all powerful league czar who will manage bribing local officials, refs, and the police. BTSH is in no way affiliated with this czar; therefore, any and all repercussions will solely be this person’s responsibility/liability. Please note, the position carries a $2,000/week salary and will be funded by a single, one-time only donation made directly to BTSH-Czar, LLC (untraceable money order please!). This election has already taken place and the Czar will remain anonymous due to highly classified procedures.
We’re pleased to announce all captains will receive custom embroidered jackets (provided by Gucci at a very reduced cost!) and will be lined with silk made from extinct bugs – or whatever – they look dope! We believe these jackets will elevate the league’s brand and overall satisfaction. The jackets also come with a monthly rent subsidy, as captains have a lot of capital tied up in very lucrative oil drilling operations in international waters. Trust us, the security costs are through the roof!
Last and most important, due to the highly volatile extremist WBRC (wood board roller crew), we’re drastically increasing our security budget, which will pay for a 5,000% increase in guns, nunchucks, and grenades. They will be purchased in bulk from Nicholas Cage, so we’re actually saving money. In order to account for this, we’ll be reducing the party and community outreach budgets by 7,000%, which leaves just enough for every player to receive a single one ounce serving of water and the kids will get a complimentary swift kick to the head to knock some sense into them!
Please feel free to shout your questions or concerns into the void.
Your Press Secretary for the Office of the BTSH Czar,
His Near-Excellency Jim Jones Bundy III