Editor’s note: we received the following Request For Proposals through our normal surreptitious channels. It contains one of the best Rich Glanzer impersonations we’ve received so far. As is customary with Fake Rich Glanzer Articles (FRGAs), we have not edited the text, to help preserve its similarity to a real one.

Guuuuuuuuuyyyyyys… so, I know I promised threatened all of you with 2 weeks of BTSH radio silence while serving my excessive suspension (despite numerous public displays of support), but I’ve had a lot of time to think in the 3 long days I didn’t post in the Facebook group. There’s an important BTSH issue at hand that nobody is addressing. We’ve spent preseason focusing on budgets, prior years’ receipts, Newman, restructuring, if Ellery and Cro should be kicked out of the Facebook group, etc etc, but there’s one thing we have failed to address. BTSH needs a – I’ll say it, and I don’t use this word very often – hero right now. And who better to do it than yours truly, RichieHero (previously Fuzz’s 49% captain)? This reminds me of when the Elves were defending their 2010 championship and played the Riots in the opening round of the 2011 playoffs. Our goalie, Sean DeLacey, was fooouuurrteen minutes late to the championship game. The Elves needed a hero, so I rolled up the air where my sleeves would have been and put myself in net, where I (redundancy alert) heroically shut out the other team. Speaking of the Elves, we also instituted the NEDI, which… wait what were we talking about again? Oh yeah…

What is that thing we need to address? The league bar.

How about Cheers? Everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. It’s, like, the total opposite of that guy you picked up at Doc Holliday’s.

The showing at HiFi has been mediocre at best. Some might blame this on the beautiful weather last Sunday, but there were already bar complaints last year and we can’t always count on the weather (trigger warning: *rain fears*). Most importantly, the bar doesn’t open until 3pm (right around when I like to take a mid-day nap), so early teams end up at other bars with just their teammates instead of at the league’s bar. Given that this league was built on the core tenets of friendship and degeneracy (unlike my men’s league), it seems ill-fitting to have a league bar that doesn’t open until 3pm. It might be too late to change the league bar for this year, but here are some bars I think would suit the league better:

Ace – Pros: Skeetball (I’ve never lost to a girl!), cheap beer, trivia, huge; cons: no bubble hockey. Speaking of which, if there’s any budget surplus this year, I vote that we use it to buy a sweet bubble hockey table.

13th Step – Pros: huge, cheap (1/2 off beers + $5 shots, that’s not even a BTSH special), beer pong tables, TVs, not a total dungeon, food, close to subways; cons: everyone else in the bar

Double-Wide – Pros: good food, close to Tompkins; cons: not big enough & it’s a Demons bar

Manitoba – Pros: has bubble hockey, bar owner goes by “Handsome Dick” which is what Sam Norris is (pause); cons: drink specials unknown, close to Ace (similar issues with location)

Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away.

Any other bar suggestions are welcome. Let’s all band together and find a spot people will show up to. Let’s go Mets! Let’s go America! Fuzz Nation! Sam Norris is a dick.